jesusfreak25418

Life lately

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 09:11:07 GMT

This seems like the only place where I can vent and I don't have to worry about who reads it since on one gets on here much anymore.

I have been going through a lot lately. I know that and I think the easiest way to get through all of this is the fact that I have to admit it first.

I am depressed.

But I am going to get through this. I will overcome this and I will be happy again one day. I know that I have friends willing to help but I am tired of putting them through hell just to get some help. I can not believe that it took a week off of school to help me realize what I can do with my life and all the things I have right here and right now.

Before this week...life sucked. I didnt want to be at UST anymore, I didnt want to go home, Ijust wanted to curl up in a little ball and stay there forever. It felt like no one could try and hurt me there. There was no possible way to hurt me at all.
But I then realized, with a lot of thinking time, that living in that little ball would not be living at all. I would just be there. I realized the awesome friends that I have even though at times I do not realize it. I realized that I do not need medicine to help me stay calm, that is something I have to deal with myself. I found that a picture on postsecret inspired me...it was a picture of a flower with the leaves falling off. It says "I am finally out of my depression, for the first time in a long time, I feel so...Alive."
I can not wait to have that feeling again. The one where nothing can mess it up cause you are flying high and soaring that you are on cloud nine. I can not wait to live that life.

Late Night Thinking

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 08:51:02 GMT

So its about 245 and I am sitting here in the trailer, unable to sleep because of the sound of my parents snoring...oh well.

On to better things.

I have been thinking a lot lately, and sometimes that could be a bad thing...I mean seriously thinking.

Do you ever wish you could fall asleep and wake up 10 years later and be the person you were meant to be for just one day...and when you go back to sleep you will be the real you again? I know that this will never happen but I have come to realize over the past two weeks that I am no where near the person I intend to be. I love the friends I have, but somehow I am always wanting the ones back that I have somehow lost over the years. And I guess waking up ten years later would show me who is still going to be in my life and who isn't. I am tired of losing people. Whether it be to other human beings or to death.

My eyes were opened once again when a really good friend of mine told me that a kid at my high school had committed suicide by overdocing. I never even knew the kid, but somehow he has got me thinking about my life and the people around me. I know that is usually what someone's death does but I guess I just wasn't expecting it since I never even met him.

I don't want to be the person I am becoming. I do not want to look back and say I should have never talked to him, I should have never gone there....I do not want to be that person. But I do not know how to stop myself. I have friends looking out for me and I trust them with almost everything. But sometimes I do not understand why the advice they give me contradicts what I think I should, or better yet, want to do.

Life as I have come to see it is short. We never have enough time to do everything we want to, but that is ok. But why should I go on not knowing what could have been? Why can't I just look at the life I have and be happy with everything that I have gone through. Because it is my past that has shaped me into the person I am today, but yet I can not give into the future...

I am just not ready to let go...

You are the one person I do not think I can let go, nor do I think I will ever be able to...and that scares me. but what scares me more is that I don't think you will ever feel that way again.

...

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 04:29:00 GMT

I think about it everyday...every moment of my life. But seriously what would I do...

I have been struggling...not even with my move into college like many would think but with life in general...and it started before I graduated. I guess you could say I am good at hiding my misery. I hate being depressed and sad...I really do. But with a life like mine, Somehow I know nothing but depression. I hate trying to please others but somehow that is the only way I can keep from being alone in my dorm room all the time. I dont want attention I just want some friends. You know like someone I can call when ANYTHING comes up. I am not saying I dont have these types of friends I am just saying that at times I just feel so alone and shut out by everyone I know. You would think that someone would want to reach out and be friends with me or at least give me a chance. But somehow no one does...or so it seems.

I am tired of the BS. People messing with me because they think its funny. Its not. Quit playing stupid jokes on me. Quick prank calling me...In general quit pissing me off. Cause one day I will let my depression side show and I would rather not do that. I hate being mad at people. I really do. Its not just that but the few happy moments I have had lately somehow get ruined and I am really tired of it.

Just face it Jennifer...your struggling...the first step to help is admitting it...isn't it??

yeah so....

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 01:58:13 GMT

Life....where to start. Need to vent but don't know how to go about it.

This summer has been really hard for me. After graduation, I lost many friends but I guess I have finally come to the realization that to lose them...they had to be your friend in the first place. So I basically realized that when I thought I was alone at the high school this year...I really was. Not to mention, the one guy that I can talk to anything about came in town and yeah we hung out but every time he leaves I think of what if I never see him again...what if. I mean he is out there fighting for our country and the only time I talk to him is when he is home safe...I think its cause I'm scared. But the good thing is that he only has one year left to serve and then he will be back home again.

Through out the summer I have grown extremely close to God...but yet I still am so far away. I just want to know what I should do with my life. I wish I could just figure out which thoughts racing through my mind are the ones I'm supposed listen to....

And yet in getting to know myself better as well as God...there is that group that I know I can say anything in front of an it is ok. We all pray for each other during the hard times as well as the good ones...

But nothing I say on here can say it as well as Vern did...

"we stay strong despite the weaknesses brought upon us"

Veronica thank you so much for saying that because when I read it...it hit me.

life

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 04:01:38 GMT

What do I do? I feel like I am supposed to go down so many different paths...surgeon...sisterhood...working with kids...

its so stressful thinking about it all...so I just don't. That is until the quite times like now. When I am sitting at home with just my iPod playing. You know I never really have many times like these that I just sit around and do things that I think are needed and thats what I dislike about my life most right now...not to much to complain about...

There is really only one thing I have to talk about....I just have to get it out of my system....

I can't believe you are going to get married...I mean seriously you are only 21 and yeah that wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't 25!!! Why can't yall wait one or two more years....I don't understand the big rush. Why is it that you will not allow any of our family to help or be involved....you know how much mom and dad want to help...but yet you won't let them. It just makes me so mad that it doesn't even matter to you that she is basically kicking your family out of your life for you and you just sit back and let her do it. We have only met her like 5 times, if even that....I mean come on yall are getting married in 2 1/2 months!!!! You would think she would come around sometime....Whatever

I'm done!

Failure

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 05:51:13 GMT

Ok So I haven't used this yet but I am going to start because Myspace is getting really boring.

Lately life has really sucked. I am tired of non-stop fights with my parents and my Best Friend. It is driving me insane. I am just so confused I am lost in thought. I am tired of thinking of what I could do to make it all right. Because in the back of my brain I know that every time I have tried I have failed. It sucks to think that I am just going to live my life as a failure until the day I die, especially since I am only 16. I never thought that teenagers were supposed to be this stressed but i guess I learned. So I am going insane from all this fighting. But I am not wanting to give up my friends just to be happy. Which is really weird because I am listing to the song "Not Ready To Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks and I am in the exact position that they are in the song. Well I am going to bed.

Hi

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 03:41:40 GMT

So yeah i just got this. So if anyone wants to help me figure it out that would be nice!!! I have the best freinds in the world!!